


The Writers' Room

by oviparous



Series: Official Arashi Fan-fiction [1]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 04:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oviparous/pseuds/oviparous
Summary: Arashi and their management are the forerunners of 'official fan-fiction', fiction which the boys write themselves to feed their fans' wildest desires. This is how a meeting looks like.





	The Writers' Room

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written off-the-bat as a birthday fic for Nino, and posted [here](http://oviparousfic.livejournal.com/34569.html).

** I don't know where this fic came from. Happy birthday, Nino. **

(CD player in the background plays _In the Room._ )

Jun: (raps on table) Official fan-fiction has been around six months and still we’re not getting as many hits as our fans on our published work. It’s ridiculous — _we’re_ the real deal. I propose we change this around with Nino Day.

Sho: I second the motion.

Jun: All opposed?

(No one raises their hand.)

Jun: Good. (picks up whiteboard marker, uncaps it) Okay, first of all, I think we need to up the rating to R+. Practically clickbait for all our horny fangirls.

Nino: (still not looking up from game) I agree, R just doesn’t cut it any more.

Sho: How about pairings?

Aiba: I vote Ohmiya. Canon equals guaranteed traffic.

Jun: You and Sho-kun are kind of canon too and you barely broke a hundred hits for ‘Sakurai Sho and his Magic Flute’. Plus Ohmiya’s gotten boring after all these years.

Ohno: (raises eyebrows) We’re right here, Matsujun.

Nino: Let it go, Leader. How about rarepair? Challenging the norm plus satiating the appetites of the pairing-deprived. Two birds, one stone.

Sho: Good strategy, but who’s the current rarepair?

Aiba: (scrolling through spreadsheet) According to the latest update, it’s you and Nino.

Nino: (still smashing buttons) No way, we’re freaking Yamataro, how can we be rarepair?

Ohno: …That was 2007, there hasn’t been much follow up.

Nino: Oh, God. (looks up at Sho for a second) We’re the Okada/Nagano of Arashi.

Sho: Crap.

Jun: (snaps fingers) I got it — how about OT5?

Aiba: Ew. That’s messy.

Jun: But it’s rarer than rare pair, plus think of all the sex. Five guys. That’s a lot of —

Aiba: — a lot of _turds_ , Matsujun. You know how we agreed to keep things real. Well, real-ish.

Sho: (tiredly) Maybe it’s that. Us keeping things real-ish. That’s how my birthday fic tanked in the ratings. It had a shit ending. Literally.

Aiba: I just find it important for our fans to understand that butt-sex may involve fecal matter. What’s wrong with that?

Ohno: It’s not sexy, that’s what’s wrong.

Aiba: According to analytics, we got 31 unique hits. That’s 31 discerning fans. (shrugs) Plus you guys said I got to have the final say because Sho-chan was topping me.

Sho: …Matsujun, let’s forget about OT5.

Nino: Guys. (pauses game, making everyone stop to listen) Since it’s for my birthday and we’re obviously going nowhere, shall I just decide on the pairing so we can continue from there?

Jun: That works.

Nino: Hang on. Quick simulation.

(Nino goes to Sho and straddles his thighs, kisses him thoughtfully, gropes around a bit, then gets up. He repeats this with Ohno. The other two wait with bated breath.)

Nino: (shakes his head at Aiba) Secretary, please see Yama out.

Sho: Oh, fuck you, Nino; that kiss was stellar and you know it.

Ohno: (sighs) Second failed audition in a row now. (looks at Jun meaningfully)

Jun: I’ll consider it; plenty of time until my birthday.

Nino: (looking at Aiba, then Jun) Dammit, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

Jun: Seriously?

Aiba: Let’s punch him, Matsujun.

Nino: Can you guys just janken it out? Please?

Aiba: Or we could punch you and you choose the one who punches you the hardest? Best outta three, come on Jun -

Nino: Forget it then. Let’s do rarepair. Sho-chan, you in?

Sho: YES, ONE HUNDRED PER CENT. I get to play lead two birthdays in a row, awesome.

Aiba: I can’t bear to look at you right now, Sho-chan.

Nino: Leader, we’re still friends, right?

Ohno: You defy canon with rarepair, pick the guy who failed the audition with me, and you’re asking me if we’re still friends? (pauses, considering) Well, yeah, okay, as long as I get a good supporting role.

Jun: (clears throat) Okay, fine. We have Nino and Sho-kun as leads. AU or canon?

Collectively: AU!

Ohno: Oh, can I request for het?

Jun: I don’t see why not. For yourself?

Ohno: Yes.

Nino: Smart, riding on your Sekamuzu wave.

Aiba: (typing furiously on keyboard) IM-ing the relevant people to get in touch with Haru-chan’s management.

Ohno: Thanks, Aiba-chan.

Sho: So we have Nino and I R-plussing in an AU, Satoshi-kun gets het… If it’s Sekamuzu-style are we all going to be working at a hotel?

Nino: Too predictable. How about a game company?

Jun: I like it.

Aiba: (nodding) Me too.

Nino: Okay. It’ll probably be us working together, testing porny games, making out, blah blah blah. I’ll write the first draft and then you guys can embellish with abandon.

Sho: Ah, Nino — can you top? Lately I've been feeling like I’m caught in a super-assertive, masculine stereotype. Let's subvert it a bit.

Nino: Sure.

Aiba: (scanning analytics) Good idea, Sho-chan. The comments do reflect a preference for you to make some changes in your bedroom choices.

Jun: All right! We’re done?

Nino: I guess so.

Jun: Nice work, everyone. Meeting adjourned.

Ohno: Looking forward to August, Matsujun!

( _In the Room_ plays its last bars.

‘Mou modorenai.’)


End file.
